Friday, March 25, 2011

2011 Self Sabotage due to Not seeing 'Me'

I had math class tonight, and I did not want to be there nor participate. Within the class it is getting more difficult and I am getting to a point within myself at feeling almost a sense of lostness in it, but not actually effectively directing myself as of yet to get the proper assistance which is out there and available for me to take advantage of. I am going to write my professor tom so I can get some assistance with this as we have a test next week on Thursday.

This brings up a point that I have been accepting and allowing myself to use and give in to when something in my world is tough and I simply do not want to do it, and it's literally just giving up and not pushing myself to continue and learn what is necessary. I have written about this before in this blog, and still seeing it here directing me. This is also a point of not seeing myself as smart enough to learn math, and not being the best within the class so not fulfilling this self prophecy I have of being the 'ultimate' in beings. Like if I can not be the best within what I am doing then I don't even want to put the effort in, because it's like what I am I gonna get out of it, what will I gain. This gain I am looking for is attention from others, and this desire to be seen by others as 'the ultimate'. The praise and comments of success and how I have completed something that is very difficult boost my ego and thus give me the energy I need to go on with my robotic life of looking for attention, looking for love, looking for who I am from others and from separation of myself. Trying to find myself within the other of this reality and basing myself from this perspective, completely missing me here HELLO! who is walking and living as the breath as life as self in this body as the physical. I am still checking to see who liked my stuff, who read my stuff, who is watching while I do stuff, and not ever being here appreciating and caring for me living for what is here with no judgment nor need. I have never fully accepted myself as life and this has been exacerbated by my continuous participation with living within and as the ego, living as ego, and trying to boost my ego to make me feel 'good' about myself because I see myself as 'less' then others and sabotaging myself based on these beliefs. Sf tom. on these points.

Desteniiprocess - Life Coaching for Support

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