Wednesday, March 23, 2011

2011 I Got a 44 on My Math Project

I went to math class tonight, and on my project I got a 44 for a grade, I am not moved internally by this as I have stopped defining myself by outside influences, but obviously seeing this as a point where I need to put more effort in and becoming more effective in what I am learning. I am not putting enough time into studying and my assignments because I am procrastinating on them and leaving them til the last minute. This is a pattern I see and have done self forgiveness on, but allowing it to still direct my life. There's these points where I can see I could follow a path to self judgment and seeing self as not able to do it, but that is dishonest and absolute bs. I am done with all the bullshit excuses I have given myself to float along and not apply myself fully. I listened to the Violations of Trust video by Bernard Poolman, and he makes common sense points about being trustworthy and what that means, such as if you do not give your all and you know you could do better, but seeming from others perspective that you are trying ur best, is a violation of that persons trust and a deceitful thing because you are not actually living the truth of what is here as urself. It is a point of who am I in the face of being trustworthy or not? And am I working on this within myself, because what is life if it is not trustworthy, who am I if i am not a trustworthy being? I can see from accumulated action the results and facts of this, but I am not satisfied, and push to become a being who can stand as self trust in the face of whatever is here, and walk the corrective action. In work, I can apply this as well as sometimes I just go lax and ease up on my work, but could be much more effective with what I am doing and pushing myself to continue on when I feel that point of wanting to ease up. School and work are points I am going to focus on giving more effort and go all out to push myself to do my best and expand in whatever it is I am working on or doing. Taking it one step at a time, not allowing time to define me or restrict me, but using time effectively to get my shit done and do it in a way that is best for all involved. I am going to push these points starting tomorrow where I am gonna wake up and cut up some medal that I have been telling my dad I would do for a few days now, but haven't. Still walking thru this pattern of procrastination and becoming a trustworthy being as I am not satisfied with my application as of yet with these points.

Update on no coffee for 21 days, Im at least a week in and feel very much less movement to have a cup and pushing myself to be here in whatever is a I am doing and enjoying it. Enjoying myself as life here living and not focusing on the thoughts, the ideas, the beliefs, the desires to have that may pop up, but being as the physical movement as me, living in the physical here. Quite cool stuff. It's definitely a walk to stay consistent with it as it will take many breaths to get to here as self. Will walk though.

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