Tuesday, April 12, 2011

2011 Recent Points, Agreement, Speaking, Being Lonely

I haven't seen Dmitry in a few weeks now, we had just recently started up our agreement, but have not seen eachother since that weekend. We both had to work all week the first week, and then he went to training for two weeks, he'll be back this weekend. I have been continuing on in my own process working on points of anger control thru breath and stopping this point of trying to impress others to make myself feel ok. We talk on the phone briefly, but it's not much as it's only a few minutes. We have been talking about moving in together for a while now, but he is getting laid off from his job in a month so we might have to hold up on those plans or re-evaluate the financial end of it and see if we can work it. Rent here is quite expensive, equal money system will create fair price as well as opportunity for all on having and maintaining shelter, which is very cool as now many can't afford to live even tho they have jobs.

I like the idea that Gian recently shared in his vlog about his experience while being at the desteni farm, that him and his agreement partner, Leila, did within writing back and forth in a notebook, and kind of sharing themselves thru writing instead of speaking out the points as mind can influence easier when speaking. This is cool and I am gonna see if Dmitry wants to try it, I never considered doing this and seems a cool way to get more intimate with each-other as we start out this walk together. I always found it easier to express myself in writing rather then speaking as for me there is more room to get to what I want to express - out. Speaking I was always shy and didn't really have full confidence in what I was gonna say, so it come out shaky or in emotion. I have been working on that with vlogs tho, the speaking myself out part, just allowing myself to express not judging because then I probably would never post a video.

I find myself lonely within my world recently as there is not many who relate to me and I find it hard sometimes talking to others about stuff that I am interested in, I find allot of people just don't want to get so in depth about issues or stuff, and I find it hard sometimes expressing myself in ways to help people understand more of what I am talking about. I have completely changed since starting process in what I will talk about, sometimes I find it very hard to talk to others because I feel like I am compromising my process and/or causing abuse. The point of speaking up and directing myself with others, this I do sometimes, but it seems like a majority of people I talk to need to be directed allot, and I don't feel able to direct them in a way that is best for all because I have not yet lived what I speak. This comes up allot with my dad when he talks about stuff in politics, and I see myself go into a reactive state, so I just stop talking and let him speak and move on. When and if I did speak I would go into anger mostly and it would turn into an argument. I am directive at points when I see that it be cool to, but I definitely have notice I must discern each moment to assess whether I can be effective or whether I will be reactive when talking or speaking to others. Been a process with this that I am still walking, this being facing others as me and living whats best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to become lonely when I believe that no one can relate to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see others not relating to me and becoming lonely because i desire to have my expectations met of how a conversation should go and when this falls, I feel abandoned.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame others for making me feel abandoned and lonely because I haven't dealt with my one self interest connected to being with others and what I desire to speak about.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to place others within and as expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge and blame others for my own polarity playout of being fulfilled and abandoned.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use others as self comfort and not seeing me here as self comfort within and as myself as all as one as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss dmitry because he is someone I can openly talk to and he 'gets' me so to speak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not stand here as my own point of self stability and look for it out there, which is not real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into moments with preconceived ideas and not allow life to be here unconditional in breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss breath here as me.

I stop this desire to be fulfilled.

I stop feeling lonely and abandoned due to my own self interest needs.

I stop seeing others as my comfort and realize I am here as my own self comfort and self stability.

I am here and realize I can only make real life here if I will it thru self living. I am one and equal with all here and I realize I am the breath of life. I walk unconditionally as I see all here are me equal and one.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks Garbriella, very supportive.