Friday, February 18, 2011

Reactions at the Vet

I took Henri to the vet tonight to get a check up and some shots that where due. I was before even going there counting my funds because I have only a certain amount I could spend so I have some money for the next two weeks to live on. I have created a lot of debt as myself and now am facing the consequences of that with a lot of money due each month, but I am grateful for what I have and I stop myself from taking things for granted as I have before because I realize what is behind all that I am for certain responsible for and the creator of everything that is happening here as me. So I went in there with numbers to be matched where I was able to switch around some of the shots and test that weren't necessary and was ok.

When Henri sees us pull into the vet parking lot he starts barking and getting hyper, I am not sure if it is from the expectation of where he knows he is going or the smell of other animals and seeing them as well. He becomes a bit much to handle as he is about 70 pds and strong. I have treats that help to calm him, but he is very much enthusiastic. In this particular instance, he was a bit frantic and pulling me across the parking lot, within myself I felt this rushing of adrenaline from my solar plexus to my chest and up into my head, and allowed embarrassment to direct me as others where watching me (in my mind eye) getting pulled.

Now this is a pattern, where in public I will be embarrassed for one reason or another and the attention will be placed on me and within myself react because I see embarrassment as a failure and that I am not normal. I will usually react in anger and blame to whatever is causing this point of embarrassment to exist within me, and obviously projecting my own self abdication of responsibility away from me and on to them. If I am by myself and the point is obviously me, this is where I would go into a point of self judgment and self sabotage. I have become more stable in the embarrassment point of myself and slowed down this point of self sabotage and self judgment say if I slip on water in front of others or on a stoop, I will immediately stop it, not allow the reactions to direct and thus be stable.

But when I have another being with me, I go into the self victimization and lash out on others as I see being in a group in public more humiliating when others are with me and cause us to be 'unwantedly noticed'. So this is a judgment of others I have allowed within me based on how they act and if I am seen as 'abnormal' or anything undesired within myself because of how they acted or whatever was done. I immediately go in to blame and project my own self separations as self hate and not accepting myself and deflecting that by seeing it in others, but not seeing it in myself. Trying to pin it on others and blame, so I don't have to face myself and thus don't have to deal with the effort, work, challenge, and understanding of what it takes to stop these patterns. But I realize it is the only way to self perfection as I have stopped judging who I am, and unconditionally accept and support myself to see and push through these points I am seeing and realizing as I go.

In this instance Henri was my unfortunate lash out, where I became embarrassed because I 'thought' everyone was looking at me and angry because he was pulling me quite hard and jumped on me, and within the anger peak I reached down and grabbed his mouth or face and caused him to yelp. I immediately went into guilt as I know what I am doing to myself being abusive and lashing out causing a physical reaction in him as a point that I am still accepting myself to self abuse myself physically. This behavior of physical force onto Henri being unacceptable and unnecessary as there is no reason what so ever to put any force on another being in any situation. Allowing anger and embarrassment to direct me is fueling this behavior so I must work on slowing myself down in these moments when these emotions arise, and stopping myself before I manifest the energy play-out physically.

When I was younger I was very physical with my sisters, we would physically abuse each other punch, push, pull hair, kick, whatever that came out as a way to vent out this compounding emotions that were building within the participation I was/am existing as throughout my world in any given situation through emotions and mind projection play-outs. I see that this is a part of my programming and how I have patterned myself so I will be aware, use my breath, and stop these points of self separation to have power over me and thus direct myself within and as the emotions to stop and release them through sf and self corrective application.

Sf on this to follow

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