Saturday, February 12, 2011

A loopy day -- blog for 2/11/11

Im in the woods where there is no internet access, so I will obviously not be able to post this on the internet til I get to a place with the www hookup. Today was an interesting day, I had a lot of reactions within anger as things did not go smooth. I am realizing that this energy of anger I give myself to quite easily, like when it arises, I immediately want to release it onto others especially those that caused the reaction within me, blaming by going after them in spitefulness fueled by this anger within. I am flagging this point as I must transcend it, I will not accept myself to give my power away and to do that I have to investigate where this anger is coming from.

I see it in this moment basically a point of self interest, where I do not want friction nor confrontation in my world, where allot of the anger lately has been placed on my parents who are confronting me on what I am doing, how is it that I am changing anything, and why I am going to extremes. This I don’t want to deal with in a sense, like I have so much to do during the day, and this just add’s to the annoyances of something else I have to deal with. That's another point, annoyance or irritation to the people in my world as I am kind of placed outside of my bubble, and have to interact and deal with whatever is here. This I realize is myself I am dealing with my own accepted and allowed nature, and it’s like this ‘mindset’ that I use to live out as ‘if I don’t get caught it’s not stealing’, ‘if I am not bothered. it’s not real, it’s doesn’t effect me’. Not wanting to deal with anything that takes up my time and cause a conflict type reaction, like being confronted with something that causes a spike in emotion. Today I missed my breath, and kind of fed into the energy allowing it to direct me and push points that where unnecessary and done out of self interest. Also, another point that came up that I have noticed as of yet and brought awareness to in process, is being possessive of ‘my precious things’. I have an ipod that I bought a few weeks ago, and the 7 year old in my house want’s it because she ‘thinks’ it’s cool, I left it on the table and she scooped it up, and brought it to school. This set me off this morning because I wanted to use it and I was angry because she took it to school knowing it could easily be broken or misused. I got it back later and my 'thinking' was validated and manifested as the screen was cracked, I was pissed, but did not fully go into the anger emotion, but allowed back chat thoughts, and some anger towards her.  I did not direct myself within common sense as equal and one to her giving her practical ways to go about 'borrowing' 'my stuff', but acting like a ‘spoiled brat’ that got something so important taken it away and lashing out. How selfish? After the fact, I was in the car and realized how robotic I was being and I remember this movie that I saw a few days back on the factories that make the ipods, and how those beings are committing suicide because they work 34 hours a day in relentless conditions, and all Im concerned about is my precious stuff. I am going to flag this point as well because I see alot goes into this possessive point.

So still I am working and time-looping within this point of anger and irritation towards my world, trying to hide, blame, and re-direct self onto others not taking responsibility for myself. Obviously, unacceptable, so I continue to see these points and push myself in self discipline and breath awareness so I can stop myself in the moment and direct myself for what is best for all, continuing to push myself and not accept anything less.

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