Thursday, December 22, 2011
2011 "I want to be perfect" Self Forgiveness
Okay, so - walk the line of self forgiveness - of how the teasing made you think and feel about yourself
Picture By: Ann ven den Broeck
The teasing within myself made me feel like an alien, like I had something wrong with me and that i was flawed or damaged. This brought a great depression due to the fact that I did not want to be seen as damaged or flawed by others. I did not want to be alone within my world and this specific teasing made me feel like i was alone and this i feared. I feared this because i felt i needed others to show me how to live, become normal, and to be accepted. I used others as a reference point to find out who I am because i didn’t like the way I was within myself = self judgment and I felt inferior due to others pointing this out with words as a ‘diss’ like ‘retard’. This causing me to be low because I judge these words as bad.
feeling like an alien, there was something wrong with me, I am flawed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see myself as an alien and judging this alien reality I was seeing myself within as extremely depressing and believing that there was nothing I could do to get out of it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that there is nothing I can do to get out of these feelings instead of realizing that I define who I am and can direct myself to be equal and to be physical stopping the feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be depressed for being publicly called out within school as a alien type person who stood out in a bad way based on the stereotypes of the words used that were said to me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to thus go into a depression within myself as suppression and completely shut down in front of others I see within this point as my ‘abusers’ that where male.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define life based on pictures and believe/perceive life as better or worse based on what the picture looked like living out this inferior/superior cycle within and as my world as the pictures i saw and defining myself based on the point within the cycle I found myself either being outgoing if was acceptable by myself or suppressive if I saw my self as less then others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge any being in this world based on their picture presentation and have any point of judgement based on the physical capabilities of other beings creating a separation with the expression of life thus continually creating a self judgement of myself in relation too the life I am living as and within never allowing peace and calm within me because there is a constant conflict and struggle within my mind of if I will be ok or not due to the pictures always changing and there always being in influx of good/bad ugly/beautiful play-out over and over continually as i go thru life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting when I was younger to live within the superiority definition of who I was seeing and believing that I was better then those within myself because i was better equipped/capable/picture presentation in the idea of myself as I held in my mind eye then creating a separation in my starting point within meeting others seeing them as superiority/inferior cycle and judging life immediately based on these ideas I held on to.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to seek ot situation where I would be superior so thus I could shine and gain attention from others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to gain attention from others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not see or realize that I was only causing self conflict within myself and physical/mental/verbal abuse within my world as I lived out this superior power game with the other beings in my world becoming like a demon in some case picking on others and abusing others because I saw them as less then me and that I had the ability due to my feeling that I am indeed better based on the outer definitions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abuse life in this way seeking out to be the best and thus becoming anger and vengeful if I do not fulfill this point of perfection I am looking to fulfill collaterally causing damage and abuse into my world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use my anger and rage due to the way I felt about myself within myself of constant self judgment and self sabotage because i was playing this game of love hate based on the pictures I saw missing the reality of the living being within the picture and missing myself as the other where I hurt or abused due to trying to puff my own self because within myself I felt less then others and use those i saw as ‘weak’ as points to see me as strong and be a bully to gain this energy as superior in my world and gain attention.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to become the living manifestation of this weak/strong bully/bullied play-out throughout my life and within myself based on this inner conflict I am having of this acceptance of the ultimate picture of perfection that I am holding onto to thus use as a reference point to define myself and my world from because I fear being vulnerable and being alone within and as my world so thus I go the safe route by using others to define and live out who I am thru pictures in my head as a point of reference to compare in my world and see where I stand.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to become the living manifestation of this weak/strong point within myself that I have accumulated thru timed events within my world that I have accepted and allowed to direct me to divide and try and conquer my world as my ‘flaws’ within myself by projecting onto others and try and gain self satisfaction by the diminishment of others by making them as weak, so I can have a point of comparison to see me and thus externally manifest abuse thru diminishing others within words/deeds so thus I can feel stronger within myself as I see then that this other person is weak based on the definitions I have defined as weak in my head and that I am strong because I don’t have these particular ‘weak’ definitions I am holding onto as the polarity play out continues.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to self sabotage myself by holding onto this point of pictures as who I am, living within this polarity play-out of strong/weak within my world as I do within myself living out a constant never ending cycle of self limitation by judging myself and my world based on an idea in my head of a perfect picture that I am trying to live up to but never being able to because it is not real nor tangible and always activated based on the differences of expression within my world and the obviousness of extremes that can exist and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not live as one and equal with all life as I see and realize is me here but define myself and separate myself by these pictures in an attempt to validate myself as my ego personality so I can see myself as strong and acceptable because I don’t accept myself here as who I am.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself by this perfect picture within my head as thoughts, ideas, and beliefs of some are better due to the way they look or act and speak and define those as less then based on the way the look, act, or speak and thus dividing and separating myself continually from myself to live as my mind as who I believe myself to be all the while cause abuse within my world as anger, competition, jealousy, and physical pain and abuse as d separation expression and self diminishment throughout time as I have defined myself so much by my outer world never seeing myself for who I am as a being that live and breath as life as all do just like me but within separation that cause conflict.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to harm life based on being jealous and blaming others for this feeling within me of lack and thus go into anger and abuse towards this being who triggered the jealousy because i am not accepting me here and defining myself based on what I apparently see I lack and that others have.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abuse life based on this idea and belief that I lack something and that I am flawed and thus that I am permanently damaged and can never be normal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this desire to be normal as the societal norm because I fear humiliation and embarrassment within myself and will compromise myself by living as a system robot as a copy of others based on the fear I am allowing to direct me to not feel these feelings.
I realize and see all points of life here in all its forms and varieties is indeed me, living, expressing, and breathing as the life that resides and is gifted to us all, I live this oneness, I live this equality, I live this embracement, and I breath this as myself stopping all points of separation thru accumulated self trusted movement til I am here as life as the physical as breath as me.
Watch my vlog, "I want to be Perfect" is a Mind F*ck", where I walk thru my physical process of letting go of this mind f*ck of trying be 'perfect' only for others and my ego for greater support.
Check out the Eqafe for more products that support life and your process with becoming real here and out of your mind, where also you can buy and sell products for yourself to make extra income.