Thursday, January 27, 2011

My trek with Spontaneity

Since I wrote that piece on spontaneity a few days back, I have been observant of myself in terms of how am I spontaneous within myself and life. I have realized that my life is extremely predictable in terms of what I do day in and day out, I mostly work, apply process, and hang out with henri, this I enjoy much, but no spontaneity. Within work, I see myself within this routine type design where I do work and leave, no spontaneity. I come home and usually go on computer to write and or watch videos, read blogs, and do research. I am facing myself within process, and within these layers that are revealing themselves as I go there's a kind of familiarity I've being seeing.  At this stage I am facing little by little what I have become and what I have accepted, and realized that essentially we are all copies of each other based on dishonest and secretive action chasing the goal of wanting and/or getting more. So no spontaneity I am seeing in my process as of yet, although within self forgiveness and self honesty this is acted in a way that is spontaneous because I am here in the moment and direct myself into the words and/or actions that I see as common sense and self honest. This is an act of spontaneity because I just move myself nothing outside of me is influencing my action I'm here and I move, I direct into the self application of self forgiveness, so no thought. I'm seeing that spontaneity is done with no thought so it is here and real as expression, cool. I realized that the spontaneity that I thought I was being in the past was not actually being spontaneous, but was done and pre-programmed within my starting point of seeking attention and desiring praise for me being different and/or doing something out of the ordinary that hopefully was funny, I liked to make people laugh, which still was done in self interest because it made me feel worth/good/alive. That right there is saying to myself that I never have been alive if I need something outside me to make me fee like I am alive, how can I be alive if I am trying to find things that make me feel like I'm living, something is differently fucked in that for sure.  I am here, I am alive. I live. The act of spontaneity has to be done within no pre-determination nor pre-planning, simply here as self expressing fully. I suppose that this is just an expression as life here and is something that I am enjoying researching within myself and testing, but realizing that not once in my life have I been the expression as spontaneity for real as I been facing and seeing that I have never been real here breathing as self one and equal to life as life, fascinating I have not seen the simplicity of here until this process I am under way with has opened up - here at Join and see for yourself.

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