2011 Video Support from Sunette -Working with Spitefulness Point

Spitefulness

In my world I see that I am very spiteful towards my family, where I hold on to this belief that they are causing me to live and have to limit myself based on how they are acting and how they are causing me to act. Not taking responsibility for my own self within and as the moments of interaction with them, but going into blame and anger because of how it is. This is specific to certain people, where I will react based on accepted and allowed past definitions I hold on to of them, not allowing myself to be here unconditional but holding on to spiteful thoughts and memories of them. This I can see here writing is due to my accepted and allowed desire to hold on to this point of competition specifically with my family where I desire to be looked at and seen as better and right in the eyes of other members. Also holding on to the roles of each family member where they hold me in place to my accepted and allowed personality definitions I hold on to as myself and living out the same cyclical 'fights' 'judgments' 'beliefs' with them, not directing the situation but being directed by my reactions. This not taking responsibility of myself within this and not bringing each and every reaction/belief/judgment/thoughts back to myself. Basically saying that I am not what I judge/believe/react/think about others in my family suiting it to fit into my own desired outcomes so I can enjoy and live in a certain self interest way of life whatever it may be. This not being self honest unconditionally within and as these points of introspection and self forgiveness, but still holding onto these desires to be better and right, living a certain ideal, or self interested memories. I am going to write out more on paper as it is more sufficient to write more in a space of time and also to not implicate anyone on internet as this writing requires to get more personal, also to open up more points, but cool here to look at some of this within how I have accepted and allowed myself to be.


This is in reference to a video that was done on my eye swelling up a few weeks ago, which Sunette posted today- the video response.


Self Forgiveness Application on post

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live within and as spite towards my world blaming my world for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my family for how i am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my living conditions for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting resentment within and as reactions to and as my family's interaction because I am not gaining the desired outcome that I have set out to attain.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to have a desired outcome in which I attain to.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to limit myself within attainments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow resentment in my actions towards my family to manifest as anger in words and actions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss myself within and as my reactions towards and with my family as if I am not responsible for what is occurring.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to abdicate my self responsibility to handle myself in self honesty to stop the reactions of anger, resentment, and blame I am holding towards others in my family.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to hold onto blame and resentment towards others to have the upper hand within and as future situations so I can be right and thus be superior.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to have the upper hand over other beings so I can be right and thus win.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see my world within and as competition so I can win and be the best.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist in spitefulness if I don't win and thus don't get the desires I set out for in the act of competing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to be right.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to win.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not unconditionally accept others as myself and thus see myself in others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto my ego and thus desire to boost my ego within and as the thoughts of winning and gaining the upper hand.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not accept myself as who I am and believe I have to be better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to judge others for who they are and thus not fully investigate who i am as what my world is showing me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not investigate myself fully because I still hold on to these desires to stay on top and be the best in my world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to allow best and worst polarities to exist with and as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto comparisons of others in my world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold on to memories of others in the past and use them against others as a back up plan so I can be on top.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist within and as the past so I don't have to face myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto how I view others as comparisons and judgments within the means of competition so I can be the best.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting comparison of others to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist through the eyes of my mind in reactions and hold onto the reactions so I can gain satisfaction when it is released as energy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire the release of energy instead of realizing who I am within this energy build up and direct it within self honesty.

I release all points of separation within holding on to energies as addictions and will myself to direct myself in common sense for what is best for all.

I stand up within and as these realization, and I stop my participation with being better.

I stop spiting myself within and as others holding onto past memories of them to then hold against them.

I stop the desire to win.

I stop competition.

I stop blame and separation to avoid responsibility.

I stop judgment,

I accept all here as myself and realize that I move me here as what is best for all not limiting myself within reactions nor desires that are not real.

I breath thru the reactions here, and always bring back everything in my world back to myself to see where I am at in breath in self honesty.

I walk these realizations to equalize myself with who I am here as all here as physical beings.

thanks

2011 Video Support from Sunette -Working with Spitefulness Point

2011 Sleep to escape

I was planning on writing in this journal, but I fell asleep. The night before I had done the same thing, where I allowed myself to close my eyes because I was tired, but then about a half hour later, I woke up again and was able to get my daily journal in. This time I did not, it's now 445 in the morning and I am writing out the daily blog I have committed to. This is a point where I still am allowing this point of laziness and not prioritizing my time because I still desire to stay in my comfort zone and not wanting to deal with myself and what I am facing as the totality of me I am seeing.

This based on believing that I have a choice and am able to do what I want, when really it is just prolonging what is necessary to be done and pushing myself to meet the requirements to do this. Still living in want and desire, where my life is nice, fun, easy, and entertaining. Obviously, I have to push myself more to become self disciplined and expansive, and stop holding on to these points of comfort, self interest, and escapism.

SF

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to sleep when I realize that I have responsibilities to live out and complete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to tiredness and thus in my secret mind desire to escape my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hide and try to escape within and as sleep.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to  escape myself because of the responsibilities I see that are here within self honesty and self realizations.

I stop giving my power away to tiredness.

I stop desiring to escape, I live here in breath and move in self discipline.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a point of spitefulness because I have responsibilities to adhere to.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting spitefulness because I do not want nor desire to push myself, work hard, and have to write out everyday.

I frogive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I will not having anything to write about.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to sleep and allow self interest rather then push myself to expand myself in writing and live out my commitment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use tiredness as an excuse to live in limbo and in comfort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have to be miserable to be able to transcend this point of self interest in comfort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be in self interest rather then self responsibility and not prioritize myself so I have sufficient time for each activity I plan to do.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self interest wants and desires to overpower the points of self discipline within me.

I stop self interest and push to live out self responsibility in all that I am doing.

I stop allowing tiredness to direct me, and prioritize my time so I am effective and efficient in what I am doing.

I stop spitefulness.

I stop all fear related to not being or having enough to say.

I am self disciplined, and I continue to push myself to write out daily and adhere to all other responsibilities.

I am breath, and I move one breath at a time.

2011 Sleep to escape

2011 I am a back chatter....and I stop

Why do I behave in spitefulness, allowing the back chat of thoughts and pictures of others as nastiness and abuse to direct me many time's thru out my days? Common sense, I would not want to be treated or even thought about in the ways I 'think' of others, but in a sense it is allowed based on my agreement with myself that all are doing it, so that justifies myself to do it as well, unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to justify my back chat because others are doing it as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to assume how and what others are thinking and or doing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting back chat thoughts of abuse to direct me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger and spitefulness to direct me based on participating into and as my back chat thoughts.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to participate in my secret mind and thus hide who I really am to save face.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a fake face and thus hide my true thoughts of someone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts to direct me, instead of realizing I am here as breath simple as who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to fear being vulnerable in front of others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hide in and as my secret mind and back chats so I don't have to face myself.

I stop back chat and secret mind thoughts from direct me. I realize I am able to stop this and I stop this here in and as each breath as I walk.

I direct myself in common sense as one and equal to all as myself.

I stop spitefulness.

i stop anger.

I stop abuse of myself thru and as others.

I am here, I walk as life one and equal and I face who I have become here no matter what happens.

I breath.

This only to be faced as myself to show the detriment and reversed way of living that this actually causes humans to live out on this planet, living within and as our back chat and secret mind thoughts, the 'real' human nature would be revealed, evil, (=lived in reverse, evil=live) this is true if observed even for a moment. All abuse in any forms starts within thoughts, the way I allow my thoughts to direct me, and what I allow through this space between my ears is creating and eventually going to manifest my physical reality.

Let me look at an example to help myself see this is as a real-life scenario, this morning I was at my desk working and my dad who is my boss came in with some news that was not easy to hear. This caused emotional feelings of hopelessness and fear, but I allowed this to be suppressed, these feelings, and not voice myself to speak out and discuss what was going on within me for me to see and realize who I was being in that moment. I allowed to hold it in and fester in and as my secret mind and through out the morning as back chat going on in my head while moving thru work. I went on with my day, holding on to the back chat thoughts about how fucked up shit is, how everyone is fucked, and I am going to be fucked. This allowing to build as I was not directing the point, and when those at my work that would come to ask me a question about something i would not be here, as this energy that is now built up as hopelessness, fear, and anger has started to manifest as I am feeling heavy within myself, thus manifesting the back chat as heaviness of the thoughts that where depressive in nature, and allowing a rage as fear thru anger to fuel me forward in spitefulness towards others. Back chat / secret mind thoughts manifest in and thru the mind into the physical as emotions based on enegry.

A co-worker asked me to do something for her with some jewelry, and I was very quick with her wanting to release this built up emotion so I buzzed her away as the problem was not able to be solved by me, she had to go to the jeweler, but I was being very cold and unhelpful to her problem. Not allowing any form of equality within what I was actually doing physically with her as her, but being wrapped up in my secret mind allowing back chat of her, such as her 'being annoying and would she just leave me alone, figure it out urself', ect. These back chat thoughts manifesting into my words as being spiteful within them and as my physical actions as I moved quick and aggressively with her, this allowing some of the built up emotion to be released generated through the thoughts in the secret mind, as I would not dare say it allowed (why not? something to consider later, open this up more). After some time later, I started to see what I was doing and started to breath thru the emotions and stop the back chat and secret mind thoughts to then become equal again to her as myself as what is real here as the physical REALity.

I am seeing, it's a point that is needed to be directed specifically when it occurs, and stopped immediately when it is seen as this can easily build and become physically manifest in all sorts of ways, anger and spitefulness I am working with at the moment myself, within and as accepting and allowing back chat and secret mind thoughts continually unchecked. This can become very unfortunate, if it becomes out of hand and uncontrollable as emotions flare and become unpredictable. This seeing, monitoring, and being aware as breath here allows one to start to recognize the back chat/secret mind chatter and can start to tame, direct, and eventually release it as it is not who I am here. No secrets are ever needed nor are ever cool, so I am standing in facing myself as the secret mind/back chat I have allowed and accepted, and stopping this back chat/secret mind chatter til it ceases to exist.

Later I was with the co-worker from that day, and she confronted me about me being 'rude' earlier, I apologized and we discussed directly what I was suppressing and taking out on her, that helped me to see more clear what I was doing and what I can do next time to stop the back chat thoughts of spite and anger, and be here direct equal as the physical and equal as other beings, my co-worker in this instance, to be effective with real solutions for what's best for all. Not allowing unnecessary abusive consequences through spite and anger in the interest of only my self satisfaction for a moment as an energy release, this being not real and will never last.

2011 I am a back chatter....and I stop

2011 I am the end result...no excuses

I 've been sporadic in my sleeping application, waking up in 6 hours or less and then a day or two later sleeping in past my alarm allowing to sleep thru because it's easier then pushing to wake up. This sporadic and instability within my application is not doing me any favors, I have no cause for complaint when things happen that cause some type of unnecessary and avoidable outcome. This is what it is though, when the input is sporadic I will see the output be sporadic. When the input is stable, I will see stability as the output. For me as for all as I am all, it is a matter of self will what will be, it is all up to me. There are no excuses even though I can 'think' of many.

2011 I am the end result...no excuses

2011 SF on Anger, Embarressment and abuse to Henri from earlier post

In a blog that I have done more recently I touched on the point of me existing within and as embarrassment as a reaction which causes anger to be generated and it's just a mess within myself and causes abuse to others around me, Henri was the being who I abused in this recent post by grabbing his mouth or face and making him yelp out of anger.


Sf on embarrassment, anger, and hurting henri


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react within embarrassment when henri pulled me across the vet parking lot and others where looking at me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting in my mind eye to make the scene out of proportion to what was really happening in the parking lot and thus overreacting within and as my mind causing the energy as anger to build up.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow my own self judgments to be projected on to the outside reality and thus go into a reaction based on my own thoughts and beliefs but deny this and blame henri for those who where apparently staring at us in my 'mind' eye.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be influenced as embarrassment if I think or perceive others are looking, thinking, and possibly talking about me in a negative way.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see being talked about, thought about, and or looked at in a negative way as a failure and that I am abnormal.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting outside influences to direct me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my projections on what the outside influence are about direct me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to fear being looked at as abnormal.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to fear people talking about me in a negative way.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not unconditionally accept myself.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting embarrassment to have power over me and see me as less then those who I perceive has caused the embarrassment within me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not accept who I am here and take responsibility and thus blame others for who i am experiencing myself.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting polarity play outs of inferior/superior and positive/negative to exist and direct me here.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger to direct me in heated moments and thus I forgive for allowing and accepting to take my anger release out on henri and cause abusive consequence.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse within others as myself because I allow myself to be out of control with my emotions.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my emotions to direct me and lash out on others.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to miss the breath in these moments of intense energy movement and thus go into the mind and cause abuse to life.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not take in all that was happening and consider Henri's perspective and experience, but go into energy reaction and cause harm to him.


I stop all anger, embarrassment, and abuse within and as my world as I realize I am only causing harm and difficulty for myself.


I stop any and all abuse onto others in a physical manner or any manner as it is not necessary and unacceptable as I am here as one and equal to my world, so I stop self abuse.


I control who I am thru breath and walk in stability as one an equal to life as me.


I am here and stand up from the emotions and feelings of the mind and stop this as I am here as breath walking as one and equal to self.

2011 SF on Anger, Embarressment and abuse to Henri from earlier post

Process Support- Breathing

I was driving home tonight, and starting to do the 4 count breath, which is if anyone reading is unaware, you breath in 1234 hold 1234 and breath out 1234, becoming aware as yourself as the physical movement of breathing here present and directing self within and as each and every moment as i breath. This breathing exercise is used until I am here as breath as who I am, so using the breath is to become aware and considerate of who I am when here, stable, and in a sense quiet within myself. When breathing in the past I had noticed that it was like a struggle, I was uncomfortable doing it so allowing resistance to build up to doing it, but tonight I realized something that I had not seen before and that is that I had been fighting myself within breathing, forcing myself into the breathing exercise with a strict set way to do it as I perceived from others experiences and sharing.  Not being unconditionally here as myself gently breathing, but forcing it and making myself hold exactly for the amount of seconds, and causing myself to be out of breath because I was in my head trying to make myself be here and breath. Never going to work as I am separating myself from the act of breathing as me here by trying to do it causing polarity and thus friction

Another point I saw was how I have been forcing myself to stop my thoughts, as well as, discreetly judging myself for not stopping them quick enough, allowing too many, and thus reacting within and as my breathing to the thoughts that I am becoming aware of as myself thru the breathing exercise. This I also had a realization, where it is not a point of stopping the thoughts by force, but allowing them to float through and not react, letting them go. Because as myself in process I am going to think, have thoughts, and have reactions, but the process is to continually will yourself to stop the reactions of the thoughts.  I see to do this is by allowing the thoughts to flow and slowing willing the no reaction to the thoughts that flow thru until they are no more and I am here breathing.

At first it is necessary to stop the thoughts out right to become aware of the extent and experience of them for yourself, with a 'i stop participating in this -- no more' after the self forgiveness is applied. This eventually I realized is that I can not judge my thoughts nor mind, as this is separation, but become equal and one to it as I am realizing my participation within and as these energies I am generating as thoughts and thus as emotions. So when the thoughts do flow through during my day, I will allow myself to release them by stopping participation within the reactions which fuel and generate the thought flow. By stopping my participation within the reactions as energy generation as emotions by now becoming aware of the thoughts thru the breathing, eventually the thoughts and thus the reactions as energies as emotions will cease to exist. Directing me within the presence of myself as here breathing and releasing the reactions to the thought flow that has kept me enslaved for eons is my willing to become stable, and within stability as self as Life as who I am will then blossom. As life is here as the breathing as me stable, no reactions and thus no thoughts, thus here me breath. It's a seeing, sf, stopping and release as i am here and stable, no more dependent on anything, but here as self as the breath of life.  I am finding that all this is to be lived by self, no one can realize self perfection as the breath of life here stable for me, to be this I must live this as who I am as one and equal as life here stable. Thus walk the walk as the saying goes.

Process Support- Breathing

Reactions at the Vet

I took Henri to the vet tonight to get a check up and some shots that where due. I was before even going there counting my funds because I have only a certain amount I could spend so I have some money for the next two weeks to live on. I have created a lot of debt as myself and now am facing the consequences of that with a lot of money due each month, but I am grateful for what I have and I stop myself from taking things for granted as I have before because I realize what is behind all that I am for certain responsible for and the creator of everything that is happening here as me. So I went in there with numbers to be matched where I was able to switch around some of the shots and test that weren't necessary and was ok.

When Henri sees us pull into the vet parking lot he starts barking and getting hyper, I am not sure if it is from the expectation of where he knows he is going or the smell of other animals and seeing them as well. He becomes a bit much to handle as he is about 70 pds and strong. I have treats that help to calm him, but he is very much enthusiastic. In this particular instance, he was a bit frantic and pulling me across the parking lot, within myself I felt this rushing of adrenaline from my solar plexus to my chest and up into my head, and allowed embarrassment to direct me as others where watching me (in my mind eye) getting pulled.

Now this is a pattern, where in public I will be embarrassed for one reason or another and the attention will be placed on me and within myself react because I see embarrassment as a failure and that I am not normal. I will usually react in anger and blame to whatever is causing this point of embarrassment to exist within me, and obviously projecting my own self abdication of responsibility away from me and on to them. If I am by myself and the point is obviously me, this is where I would go into a point of self judgment and self sabotage. I have become more stable in the embarrassment point of myself and slowed down this point of self sabotage and self judgment say if I slip on water in front of others or on a stoop, I will immediately stop it, not allow the reactions to direct and thus be stable.

But when I have another being with me, I go into the self victimization and lash out on others as I see being in a group in public more humiliating when others are with me and cause us to be 'unwantedly noticed'. So this is a judgment of others I have allowed within me based on how they act and if I am seen as 'abnormal' or anything undesired within myself because of how they acted or whatever was done. I immediately go in to blame and project my own self separations as self hate and not accepting myself and deflecting that by seeing it in others, but not seeing it in myself. Trying to pin it on others and blame, so I don't have to face myself and thus don't have to deal with the effort, work, challenge, and understanding of what it takes to stop these patterns. But I realize it is the only way to self perfection as I have stopped judging who I am, and unconditionally accept and support myself to see and push through these points I am seeing and realizing as I go.

In this instance Henri was my unfortunate lash out, where I became embarrassed because I 'thought' everyone was looking at me and angry because he was pulling me quite hard and jumped on me, and within the anger peak I reached down and grabbed his mouth or face and caused him to yelp. I immediately went into guilt as I know what I am doing to myself being abusive and lashing out causing a physical reaction in him as a point that I am still accepting myself to self abuse myself physically. This behavior of physical force onto Henri being unacceptable and unnecessary as there is no reason what so ever to put any force on another being in any situation. Allowing anger and embarrassment to direct me is fueling this behavior so I must work on slowing myself down in these moments when these emotions arise, and stopping myself before I manifest the energy play-out physically.

When I was younger I was very physical with my sisters, we would physically abuse each other punch, push, pull hair, kick, whatever that came out as a way to vent out this compounding emotions that were building within the participation I was/am existing as throughout my world in any given situation through emotions and mind projection play-outs. I see that this is a part of my programming and how I have patterned myself so I will be aware, use my breath, and stop these points of self separation to have power over me and thus direct myself within and as the emotions to stop and release them through sf and self corrective application.

Sf on this to follow

Reactions at the Vet