2011 We call Him Kooky

We have a gold fish in the house, he was purchased because he was according to my mom very ugly and she felt bad, and didn't think anyone would buy him so she did. Now, he is a fella that enjoys himself extensively it seems, although he swims in a tank thats 2.5'x1' doesn't hinder him in the least. He swims to the bottom and floats to the topp, spins around the top of the water in circles, is constantly swimming upside down and twirling around, floats on the top upside down across the skim of the surface, swims backwards, he really just looks like he really is having fun! I don't define him by his looks nor mannerism, but allow him to live as he sees fit and I enjoy observing him, no pity or emotion need apply, but oneness and equality within our expressions. He has taught me the simplest point of just being here and enjoying life, enjoying myself as life in the physical, and playing as life. It's really important to play and laugh allot as this is life in joy. Unfortunately, this is not able to be for all beings here, so no real joy of life is here until all are free to express as self here as physical beings, join equalmoney.org and support the change for life to be free and have fun for real. Animals/nature is aware just like us and experience the same, have respect and honor them as self as this is u/me.

2011 We call Him Kooky

2011 SF on Anger, Embarressment and abuse to Henri from earlier post

In a blog that I have done more recently I touched on the point of me existing within and as embarrassment as a reaction which causes anger to be generated and it's just a mess within myself and causes abuse to others around me, Henri was the being who I abused in this recent post by grabbing his mouth or face and making him yelp out of anger.


Sf on embarrassment, anger, and hurting henri


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react within embarrassment when henri pulled me across the vet parking lot and others where looking at me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting in my mind eye to make the scene out of proportion to what was really happening in the parking lot and thus overreacting within and as my mind causing the energy as anger to build up.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow my own self judgments to be projected on to the outside reality and thus go into a reaction based on my own thoughts and beliefs but deny this and blame henri for those who where apparently staring at us in my 'mind' eye.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be influenced as embarrassment if I think or perceive others are looking, thinking, and possibly talking about me in a negative way.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see being talked about, thought about, and or looked at in a negative way as a failure and that I am abnormal.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting outside influences to direct me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my projections on what the outside influence are about direct me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to fear being looked at as abnormal.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to fear people talking about me in a negative way.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not unconditionally accept myself.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting embarrassment to have power over me and see me as less then those who I perceive has caused the embarrassment within me.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not accept who I am here and take responsibility and thus blame others for who i am experiencing myself.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting polarity play outs of inferior/superior and positive/negative to exist and direct me here.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger to direct me in heated moments and thus I forgive for allowing and accepting to take my anger release out on henri and cause abusive consequence.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse within others as myself because I allow myself to be out of control with my emotions.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my emotions to direct me and lash out on others.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to miss the breath in these moments of intense energy movement and thus go into the mind and cause abuse to life.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not take in all that was happening and consider Henri's perspective and experience, but go into energy reaction and cause harm to him.


I stop all anger, embarrassment, and abuse within and as my world as I realize I am only causing harm and difficulty for myself.


I stop any and all abuse onto others in a physical manner or any manner as it is not necessary and unacceptable as I am here as one and equal to my world, so I stop self abuse.


I control who I am thru breath and walk in stability as one an equal to life as me.


I am here and stand up from the emotions and feelings of the mind and stop this as I am here as breath walking as one and equal to self.

2011 SF on Anger, Embarressment and abuse to Henri from earlier post

Reactions at the Vet

I took Henri to the vet tonight to get a check up and some shots that where due. I was before even going there counting my funds because I have only a certain amount I could spend so I have some money for the next two weeks to live on. I have created a lot of debt as myself and now am facing the consequences of that with a lot of money due each month, but I am grateful for what I have and I stop myself from taking things for granted as I have before because I realize what is behind all that I am for certain responsible for and the creator of everything that is happening here as me. So I went in there with numbers to be matched where I was able to switch around some of the shots and test that weren't necessary and was ok.

When Henri sees us pull into the vet parking lot he starts barking and getting hyper, I am not sure if it is from the expectation of where he knows he is going or the smell of other animals and seeing them as well. He becomes a bit much to handle as he is about 70 pds and strong. I have treats that help to calm him, but he is very much enthusiastic. In this particular instance, he was a bit frantic and pulling me across the parking lot, within myself I felt this rushing of adrenaline from my solar plexus to my chest and up into my head, and allowed embarrassment to direct me as others where watching me (in my mind eye) getting pulled.

Now this is a pattern, where in public I will be embarrassed for one reason or another and the attention will be placed on me and within myself react because I see embarrassment as a failure and that I am not normal. I will usually react in anger and blame to whatever is causing this point of embarrassment to exist within me, and obviously projecting my own self abdication of responsibility away from me and on to them. If I am by myself and the point is obviously me, this is where I would go into a point of self judgment and self sabotage. I have become more stable in the embarrassment point of myself and slowed down this point of self sabotage and self judgment say if I slip on water in front of others or on a stoop, I will immediately stop it, not allow the reactions to direct and thus be stable.

But when I have another being with me, I go into the self victimization and lash out on others as I see being in a group in public more humiliating when others are with me and cause us to be 'unwantedly noticed'. So this is a judgment of others I have allowed within me based on how they act and if I am seen as 'abnormal' or anything undesired within myself because of how they acted or whatever was done. I immediately go in to blame and project my own self separations as self hate and not accepting myself and deflecting that by seeing it in others, but not seeing it in myself. Trying to pin it on others and blame, so I don't have to face myself and thus don't have to deal with the effort, work, challenge, and understanding of what it takes to stop these patterns. But I realize it is the only way to self perfection as I have stopped judging who I am, and unconditionally accept and support myself to see and push through these points I am seeing and realizing as I go.

In this instance Henri was my unfortunate lash out, where I became embarrassed because I 'thought' everyone was looking at me and angry because he was pulling me quite hard and jumped on me, and within the anger peak I reached down and grabbed his mouth or face and caused him to yelp. I immediately went into guilt as I know what I am doing to myself being abusive and lashing out causing a physical reaction in him as a point that I am still accepting myself to self abuse myself physically. This behavior of physical force onto Henri being unacceptable and unnecessary as there is no reason what so ever to put any force on another being in any situation. Allowing anger and embarrassment to direct me is fueling this behavior so I must work on slowing myself down in these moments when these emotions arise, and stopping myself before I manifest the energy play-out physically.

When I was younger I was very physical with my sisters, we would physically abuse each other punch, push, pull hair, kick, whatever that came out as a way to vent out this compounding emotions that were building within the participation I was/am existing as throughout my world in any given situation through emotions and mind projection play-outs. I see that this is a part of my programming and how I have patterned myself so I will be aware, use my breath, and stop these points of self separation to have power over me and thus direct myself within and as the emotions to stop and release them through sf and self corrective application.

Sf on this to follow

Reactions at the Vet