2011 Sister Self Forgiveness

Today I had allot of anger towards my sister cause she implicitly imposes her will over my parents house because she has ocd and like things her way. She walks in the kitchen, and she has a pizza, I was hungry cause I just got home from work, so I was like cool, and grab a piece, and then I went for round 2 and she stops me saying that I can not eat another piece, I right then go into reaction of anger, like 'how dare she stop me from eating a piece of pizza' feeling entitled and like offended, then I go into the thoughts and past memories like a cache of artillery to rev up the energy of anger and allow myself to work up to explode on her. Thankfully I do not allow myself to explode any longer, but still allow the anger to influence me and talk spiteful back at her, raising my voice, and talking in a degrading way. Like trying to beat her down, but thru my mannerism and words, I am not physically abusive any longer.

This point of anger and spitefulness towards my sister has been going on for quite sometime as I have many memories of us, and her 'annoying' me. Even writing this theres a point within me that wants to blame her because in the physical she is doing these things to me, fucking around with me, but in essence this is me, I am creating this in my world, and all in my world is a reflection of me. I am showing myself to myself in where I am still holding on to separations and where I am justifying my demonic nature. So really my sister is a gift to show me who I am here, that I am existing within this abusive spiteful nature and maintaining this throughout my days by continuing to participate in theses thoughts and memories towards her and my world in general. I am not accepting this within myself any longer, that is why I am walking my process and stopping the mind, I am not the mind as thoughts and feelings and reactions, but I am that which is here as self directed, able to create at will in the best manner for all because I realize all that is here is me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react to the presence of my sister in irritation and superiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my sister for the way I am accepting and allowing to exist within myself and stopping the reactions from directing me to stand stable and direct in common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see my sister as inferior to me realizing that I am seeing myself in a way where I am trying to compare to be seen in a 'higher' light then another to make myself feel more worthy and justified in the position I will take.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to go into comparison when I see my sister based on me desiring to win the argument or conflict I am having so I can be on top, the winner, and feel accomplished within my mind that I am better then my sister, I am more savvy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to be a winner, more savvy, more accomplished towards my sister because I hold myself within an expectation to be a winner because I see myself as having to prove myself within the people I am around.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to cause abuse to another to justify my own acceptance of myself in a point of self interest to make myself feel better.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to allow anger and rage to direct me towards my sister when I was not allowed to have another piece of pizza realizing that in that moment it wasn't about the pizza but trying to prove my point = ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to fulfill my ego and become special in the eyes of myself, this world, and people in my world so I can be seen as better, a winner, and worthy above others believing that this life is a competition and I have to be on top to succeed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to desire to succeed in this life no matter what the cost is to my fellow man.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to feel offended when I wasn't allowed to get a piece of pizza taking it personal ike she doesn't like me and think that I am special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel offended and not accepted when I do not get the feedback in my world that I wish to get.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to have an expectation in this life realizing and understanding that having expectations is actually limiting the expression as me as a life being equal and one to the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in spitefulness and anger when I took offense to not getting pizza and going into abuse to justify the 'hurt' that I experienced.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to cause abuse because I believe I was abused.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting that the outer can influence and abuse the inner me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself by how others perceive me accepting myself based on the feedback I am getting and the ideas and beliefs that I perceive the way I should be treated and get offended when I am not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not accept myself as who I am here, and change self without judgement and shame in common sense, accepting myself as who I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist in the past and create a point of energy generation thru the thoughts I hold onto of my sister doing 'annoying' things to me in the past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto the thoughts of her moving my stuff all over the place and not just keep it in the place i put it because she thinks its messy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto the thoughts of all the times i have babysat for her and helped when she needed it and holding that against her based on me perceiving that I haven't got the same back when I do realize and understand what I give, I receive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to exist in the past and allowing past memories to direct me within and as my world and what comes up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts of judgement and memories to direct me, not directing myself here in stopping expectations and desires to get what i want.

I stop participating in this reaction of anger.

I stop defining myself by my outside world and participating in judgements in separation.

I stop expectations of what should be so and I stop taking all things personal towards who I realize I am as all as myself.

I stop separating myself from my world as my sister and face what has to be face and direct it in the best outcome possible for all.

I stop the anger and rage thru breath towards my sister walking away if it becomes too much until I cool down and become stable again.

I stop participating in the thoughts of memories from the past, and I stop holding my sister hostage within the past.

I stop separating myself from my world, and when this comes up again I breath adjust any reactions to be released and let go of, stopping all thoughts and memories of the past, and see myself within the shoes of the other and direct myself the way I would want to be treated. I stop the ego as personality and live here as principles of oneness and equality in self honesty and self forgiveness until I am here as one and equal to all life.

2011 Sister Self Forgiveness

Reactions at the Vet

I took Henri to the vet tonight to get a check up and some shots that where due. I was before even going there counting my funds because I have only a certain amount I could spend so I have some money for the next two weeks to live on. I have created a lot of debt as myself and now am facing the consequences of that with a lot of money due each month, but I am grateful for what I have and I stop myself from taking things for granted as I have before because I realize what is behind all that I am for certain responsible for and the creator of everything that is happening here as me. So I went in there with numbers to be matched where I was able to switch around some of the shots and test that weren't necessary and was ok.

When Henri sees us pull into the vet parking lot he starts barking and getting hyper, I am not sure if it is from the expectation of where he knows he is going or the smell of other animals and seeing them as well. He becomes a bit much to handle as he is about 70 pds and strong. I have treats that help to calm him, but he is very much enthusiastic. In this particular instance, he was a bit frantic and pulling me across the parking lot, within myself I felt this rushing of adrenaline from my solar plexus to my chest and up into my head, and allowed embarrassment to direct me as others where watching me (in my mind eye) getting pulled.

Now this is a pattern, where in public I will be embarrassed for one reason or another and the attention will be placed on me and within myself react because I see embarrassment as a failure and that I am not normal. I will usually react in anger and blame to whatever is causing this point of embarrassment to exist within me, and obviously projecting my own self abdication of responsibility away from me and on to them. If I am by myself and the point is obviously me, this is where I would go into a point of self judgment and self sabotage. I have become more stable in the embarrassment point of myself and slowed down this point of self sabotage and self judgment say if I slip on water in front of others or on a stoop, I will immediately stop it, not allow the reactions to direct and thus be stable.

But when I have another being with me, I go into the self victimization and lash out on others as I see being in a group in public more humiliating when others are with me and cause us to be 'unwantedly noticed'. So this is a judgment of others I have allowed within me based on how they act and if I am seen as 'abnormal' or anything undesired within myself because of how they acted or whatever was done. I immediately go in to blame and project my own self separations as self hate and not accepting myself and deflecting that by seeing it in others, but not seeing it in myself. Trying to pin it on others and blame, so I don't have to face myself and thus don't have to deal with the effort, work, challenge, and understanding of what it takes to stop these patterns. But I realize it is the only way to self perfection as I have stopped judging who I am, and unconditionally accept and support myself to see and push through these points I am seeing and realizing as I go.

In this instance Henri was my unfortunate lash out, where I became embarrassed because I 'thought' everyone was looking at me and angry because he was pulling me quite hard and jumped on me, and within the anger peak I reached down and grabbed his mouth or face and caused him to yelp. I immediately went into guilt as I know what I am doing to myself being abusive and lashing out causing a physical reaction in him as a point that I am still accepting myself to self abuse myself physically. This behavior of physical force onto Henri being unacceptable and unnecessary as there is no reason what so ever to put any force on another being in any situation. Allowing anger and embarrassment to direct me is fueling this behavior so I must work on slowing myself down in these moments when these emotions arise, and stopping myself before I manifest the energy play-out physically.

When I was younger I was very physical with my sisters, we would physically abuse each other punch, push, pull hair, kick, whatever that came out as a way to vent out this compounding emotions that were building within the participation I was/am existing as throughout my world in any given situation through emotions and mind projection play-outs. I see that this is a part of my programming and how I have patterned myself so I will be aware, use my breath, and stop these points of self separation to have power over me and thus direct myself within and as the emotions to stop and release them through sf and self corrective application.

Sf on this to follow

Reactions at the Vet