2012 Self Forgiveness: I Lack

Self Forgiveness Lack

This is in response to an earlier post I did on the word Proud in terms of living it in competition as an ego and living it within a consideration of self one and equal with all within the betterment of all life. Here is a reference:

Re-Defining the Word PROUD to live for All Life

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see lack within myself based on believing that I am not worthy of the life that is me because I have done such screwed up stuff in my life and have had many dishonest moments.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that based on what I did within and as my past as my past actions, words, and thoughts that I am damned to be inferior and lack the qualities and skills that I see and believe others have and that I do not deserve.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that I do not have the qualities and skills of others I see as more then me based on my belief that I just am not able to live up to what others can do while all the while I am wasting my time living into this belief of lack as if a belief is real and who I am, when I realize and see that beliefs are not real as they come from the mind dimensions and thus are not based in reality, are not based in this physical world, and thus do not define who I am here. I have the ability to change me here within and as all that I will myself to do, the only being holding me back is me, thus I stop holding me back as I stop these beliefs as mind illusion and walk within and as reality in what makes sense within self honest introspection and self honest action.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe that I do not deserve life as this is not possible as I am life and thus I as a life being have the ability to change who I am and become the directive principle in my world in a breath and thus I push myself to be the living directive principle in who I am and what I do as I have the power within me to walk in what ever manner I will and within the considerations as who I am as life I walk in always the consideration of what would be best for all and thus I will always consider myself within this equation. I am all and the all is I, we are all one here and thus all equal in fact. I accept myself here fully and walk my process in self correction with no judgment but only application in self honesty to get this done to stop all suffering forever more.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe because of who and what i was in the past I do not deserve to live among life in a care free and equal way,  this is based on the belief that I am not as accelerated as others and thus I will fail when I realize that I am who I am and thus have abilities and skills I can use to better my life as well as better the life as humanity as a whole. Thus I realize it is not to be in competition with others in a quest to achieve or accelerate to be more then what I see others can do, but find what I enjoy and comes natural and thus become the best that I can be in whatever it is that I enjoy doing always within the consideration of myself as all life and thus creating the best world possible for all to live and enjoy in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compete with others in an attempt to satisfy this desire to be more then others because I have accepted myself in need of something as I believe that I am missing something, so thus I have gone into blame and jealousy towards others to compensate and thus release this self disappointment that I have not willed myself to live to my fullest potential and push myself to excel within my self living.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to compete with others around me in an attempt to exalt my own ego based on the lack I have accepted and allowed of myself. I realize and see that I in fact lack nothing within and as what I am capable of as the will of life, but only lack the self will to push and will it in to being. This I do not accept any longer and thus accept myself for who I am here within all that I have lived and live in a way that I push every day to walk self honest and through self forgiveness change myself to be a being I am proud of.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to allow blame and jealousy within and as myself because I do not want to push myself within living application to change to become a being that is self directed, but allow myself to wallow in self pity and self procrastination and thus take it out on others in deflection of facing myself within these dishonesties.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting blame towards any point separate from myself in an attempt to not have to face myself and thus abuse life because I am accepting jealousy and blame to exist within me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting jealousy and  blame within and as me towards any being in my world within an attempt to bring someone else down and make me more based on my acceptance and allowance of myself as my ego to be the best and thus accept and allow the abuse of life within my own self interested desire to be special and to be seen by others as more then the life around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting jealousy to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use procrastination and laziness to exist within my world so I do not have to push myself and fully apply myself within my application of change because I want easement and comfort within this idea that I am doing too much, but within this using this as an excuse to not have to fully push myself because I want to not have to work hard and put in the effort which can be strenuous and difficult at times.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to give in to the mind as ego as resistance and thus give in to the enslavement of me as a being who needs to be controlled and used because I do not want to walk as life one and equal with what is here as physical and thus I will not stand equal. So I realize and see the correction here to push myself through resistances always, and use my self honest assessment to not push myself too much meaning not go over board, but apply myself and do the best I can do each and every moment using self forgiveness and self correction to get me here where life is.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be jealous and desire to be special with myself here as all life and thus seek self gratification in self interest while I allow abuse of other life forms which I realized i do not want for myself, so thus I realize and see that each and every time a thought come up I let it go of jealousy or blame or wanting to be more I stop it and release it through breathing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame life in an attempt to make myself self feel better in self dishonesty because I do not want to push myself and walk the walk to become equal with all that is here. Blame of life is unacceptable as it is just a lack of self will and an easy way out to not have to face self and walk the correction which is physical change which require dedication and perseverance as mind is 'easy' and life equal and one has never been walked so thus I realize it will be a walk as a process and I must always continue to stay disciplined and self honest to see it through.

When and as I go into a point of self lack and see myself less then others I stop all these thoughts immediately through breathing, assess the situation and if it becomes overwhelming and I feel like I will react simple walk away, but if after application I feel stable I continue to live and let go of all points of separation and focus on what is best for all and push myself each and every time to live this out and do the best I can do. Seeing myself equal as we all are here and we all are life, so thus walk from a starting point of equality and I accept nothing less then this among myself and the life that is here as me until it is fulfilled and we walk here as one for real in physical reality.

When and as I go into a point of blame and jealousy I stop and breath, and release this build up of accumulated thoughts through self forgiveness in my head or make note to do later in the evening if it is not able to be done in the moment. I stop all thoughts of this point of jealousy and blame as I release myself from my ego as if I am more then others as I realize and walk the acceptances of all as myself and do not define any thing or any one other then within the starting point of oneness and equality and push myself to breath within these intense peak points of wanting to react and go into self abuse as blame and jealousy, stop, let go, and leave if necessary or continue living in a way that is best for all within the situation. Also I can express myself within communicating myself in what it is that I am having an issue with so thus it is out there with the other so the issue can be resolved within mutual consideration and input with a respect and honor of the other as how I would want to be treated for myself. Honoring the life that is here among all always is the focal point, ego, jealousy, blame are not real but only an attempt to make me more and better which will always end in diminishment of myself which does not make sense because I stand for what is best for all which will always be what is best for me.

When and as I go into a point of procrastination and laziness as a resistance to push myself and face myself within my process of birthing myself as life, I push myself to walk what ever is the resistance and fulfill it within the best manner I can. I do not accept myself to indulge in points of compromise through desiring a certain experience or outcome, but walk the walk in whatever it takes til I am here as life one and equal and the world is a place I would like to live and have children grow up in, nothing is worth anything if this is not here and living within myself as this world, and so thus I push myself with all my will to apply myself each and every day as best I can so thus I can live as a being who is proud and thus in the know that I will bring forth a world that is in deed best for every living being that exist as I would want for myself, and this is how it should be. I am self disciplined, I am self motivated, I am self directed, and I need nothing but myself to get this done. I know what is needed to be walked and thus I walk it into life here as myself.


lack, self forgiveness, procrastination, lazy, competition, proud, living words life self interest competing blame jealousy, self honesty equal money eqafe desteni destonian wiki, 2012,

2012 Self Forgiveness: I Lack

2012 Re-Defining the Word PROUD to live for All LIfe

Growing up within myself I used the feeling of being proud within a point of compensation for the lack that I felt within myself. To be proud within the system is to become joyful within ones own individual accomplishments or that there of someone close to you that you love or are endeared by such as a child or a best friend. This feeling of proud brings one into a state of euphoria for a moment as we have accomplished something within the feat of what we thought we could not do or that we could not come up with.

Here I will be speaking of the word proud within the context of being proud of myself, so a proudness within oneself. This I can relate to because as a kid I was very proud, but within this proud feeling I would define myself by this, such as an achievement. This was done in a point of self interest as I was always within competition of others around me, one of my favorite things to do was athletics, so I was geared and trained within winning and competing with others, and this is what I did best. When I achieved a success within sports such as dribbling the soccer ball in between two players and passed it to the man in front to score the winning goal, this made me proud. I had succeeded in the winning of the game, and I help create the score of the final point to beat the other team. This caused great praise from all the teammates and the parents alike. So not only was I proud because I beat the other team, but I was also proud with myself because I generated some good feelings within praise and accolades within the members of the team, which boosted my ego and told me ok, I am good here, I am making it here.

Now within this feeling of being proud in this current system, it is based on the ego and the exaltation of the being as the ego within competition and self superiority. The competition we see everywhere, such as what we see within marketing, within entertainment, within religions, within education, I mean competition is what drives our society and our system for that matter, the survival of the fittest. We have to survive thus we have to compete.

Another point is that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to see lack within ourselves, this I am walking within myself as well, I have created this feeling of proudness to thus compensate for the lack I feel that I am not worthy. Thus it becomes a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs of trying to gain this feeling of proudness within myself based on gaining some kind of victory through beating others or creating something that others like, so I can have proof by the outer world that I am cool and I matter because people like me and I have proven by winning that I am better then others thus I gained value within the system. Winning and gaining others approvals currently makes life equaling humanity feel proud to be alive and relieved as they will not be the one who gets fucked by the system, those being the losers.

Being proud within this current system and the current living of it, is within the fear of survival and separation of ourselves into an ego that have to have energy to sustain itself and live, this not enjoyable for anyone if they speak within self honesty. The nice feelings this feeling of proudness generate is only a point of self definition of worthiness thus within the next breath the feeling of depression will be feed as the opposite will always manifest as they feed off each-other as a means of survival, these feelings can not be sustained by themselves so will always require more energy to generate that proud feeling and get away from the negative feeling as depression one has accepted as who they are. This is where the drive to succeed and thus survive another day in the system is sustained and this proudness feeling is but another way to feed ones ego and become more then other beings in this world to really continue surviving. The success will come always with survival as it is a dog eat dog world and to win one must compete, so we have created a false sense of proudness of ourselves within a very limited expression of survival and fear of lose.

Now to re-define the word Proud into a living word best for all, I would start by changing my focus of who I include in living proud, this through allowing all to enjoy or benefit from what every it is I created or did. Seeing life within equality and oneness will then take away any points of need for feeling worthy within myself or fear of not surviving because all that is here is me and thus when this is lived by all life, fear of survival and thus a need to be better within self will cease to exist and being proud will stop being from a point of self interest to feed a feeling created through energy generation.

So within living this way of inclusion of all life and having a sense of pride within oneself would be a release of all points of ego as competition and living from a wholeness of being of acceptance of all here and thus acceptance of myself as life within all that I do. Living within principles of self honesty and self correction always to create the best being I can be so what I create is void of ego and only from the expression of and as myself within the joy of who I am as life. From here what I create or live within my expression is done within the wholeness of the understanding that I will be benefiting all who will come into contact with what ever I do or create and thus I can be proud that I did my best within the consideration of all the life that is here. Thus I have created a universal benefit for all the life within the world I live and this is a living of the word being proud. Being proud of self as self has supported and assisted to the benefit of all life, and thus one can be proud that you have created easement and satisfaction for others as you would like for yourself.



lack, self forgiveness, procrastination, lazy, competition, proud, living words life self interest competing blame jealousy, self honesty equal money eqafe desteni destonian wiki, 2012,

2012 Re-Defining the Word PROUD to live for All LIfe

2011 I Got a 44 on My Math Project

I went to math class tonight, and on my project I got a 44 for a grade, I am not moved internally by this as I have stopped defining myself by outside influences, but obviously seeing this as a point where I need to put more effort in and becoming more effective in what I am learning. I am not putting enough time into studying and my assignments because I am procrastinating on them and leaving them til the last minute. This is a pattern I see and have done self forgiveness on, but allowing it to still direct my life. There's these points where I can see I could follow a path to self judgment and seeing self as not able to do it, but that is dishonest and absolute bs. I am done with all the bullshit excuses I have given myself to float along and not apply myself fully. I listened to the Violations of Trust video by Bernard Poolman, and he makes common sense points about being trustworthy and what that means, such as if you do not give your all and you know you could do better, but seeming from others perspective that you are trying ur best, is a violation of that persons trust and a deceitful thing because you are not actually living the truth of what is here as urself. It is a point of who am I in the face of being trustworthy or not? And am I working on this within myself, because what is life if it is not trustworthy, who am I if i am not a trustworthy being? I can see from accumulated action the results and facts of this, but I am not satisfied, and push to become a being who can stand as self trust in the face of whatever is here, and walk the corrective action. In work, I can apply this as well as sometimes I just go lax and ease up on my work, but could be much more effective with what I am doing and pushing myself to continue on when I feel that point of wanting to ease up. School and work are points I am going to focus on giving more effort and go all out to push myself to do my best and expand in whatever it is I am working on or doing. Taking it one step at a time, not allowing time to define me or restrict me, but using time effectively to get my shit done and do it in a way that is best for all involved. I am going to push these points starting tomorrow where I am gonna wake up and cut up some medal that I have been telling my dad I would do for a few days now, but haven't. Still walking thru this pattern of procrastination and becoming a trustworthy being as I am not satisfied with my application as of yet with these points.

Update on no coffee for 21 days, Im at least a week in and feel very much less movement to have a cup and pushing myself to be here in whatever is a I am doing and enjoying it. Enjoying myself as life here living and not focusing on the thoughts, the ideas, the beliefs, the desires to have that may pop up, but being as the physical movement as me, living in the physical here. Quite cool stuff. It's definitely a walk to stay consistent with it as it will take many breaths to get to here as self. Will walk though.

2011 I Got a 44 on My Math Project