Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Sunday, April 10, 2011
2011 Missed a Day in Writing
I decided to hold off on writing my blog because I wanted to watch a movie last night, I eventually fell asleep during the movie, and did not get a chance to write myself out yesterday as I committed to doing daily. There is no excuse for this as I could have prioritized my time, and done it before the movie, but allowed justifications such as it's the weekend and I just want to relax for a bit. I still need to become more effective in organizing and prioritizing my day so I fit all that needs to be done in to make sure all my commitments are completed. I am going to test this as I have been doing all these activities usually when I get home from work and before I go to bed, I have to work at nights some nights so I have to work with that schedule too. I am going to focus more on the mornings, doing my writing and daily commitments that I have on the Internet before I go to work. By this point I should have some sort of schedule down, but it is not that easy, because it changes due to my night job and now I can not use my computer at the house, so I have to find other places to do my work such as a cafe or place that has wifi. At the moment, I will have to abide and deal with this with my mom until I am able to move out and be on my own. But anyways, Just have to get back on track and start prioritizing what needs to be done and do it no matter what, I will test and see if the morning works better. Will check back and see how it goes.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
2011 Desire to Im-press(ed)
A point within myself that I notice I go into often rather 'unconsciously' is living from a need of wanting to and trying to impress those around me. Being noticed would be more accurate; this came up a few times today when I was observing my back chat. This has always been a point that I have latched onto as a place to define myself, but never realized how much it is influencing and controlling me through out my day. For instances, I was in the car with my nephew and his friend, we started talking about hockey, and within my back chat I desired to be recognized as a 'great' hockey player, and getting a sense of euphoria when I got my desired fill. My nephew started saying that I was the 'best' on my team, and that I was in the papers a bunch. Even writing this being dishonest within desiring others to see me as a 'amazing' and 'skilled' person in something, this point desire being irrelevant because it is not real as I am no better then any other being in anything. We all just live, no definitions.
Now where does this start from, what thoughts and beliefs, one being that I need to be seen as skilled in some way to be valued. Another way would be that I desire to be seen as better then others, so I can get an upper hand. I haven't gotten to a point where I can effectively walk equal to others based on me holding on to these thoughts and ideas of defining myself to thoughts and ideas about myself in relation to the world around me and desiring to be more. Seeing it in separation, I must will this to stop and change to be effective in equality for and as life.
1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to base who I am here by my thought of "I need to impress others to be valued." Thus not recognizing nor realizing the point of separation within the need of others to show/tell me that I have value.
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on this thought of 'I need to impress others to be valued' and thue look for who I am by those I interact with based on the reactions I receive. Thus not living but reacting to others reactions.
2a. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on reactive state of fear of not surviving instead of being here realizing I live and enjoying.
I stop fear of survival in reaction and live here as self enjoyment in living life.
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe in the thought 'I need to impress others to be valued' and thus activate the system of need and desire to be seen in a certain way that I have defined myself on and based myself on here in limitation.
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to create desires to be accepted based on my 'thoughts' that 'I need to impress to be valued'.
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to place value outside of myself based on me not accepting who I am within and as myself and thus looking for direction within the world around me.
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate self value of who I am as life and thus place it into the world around me thus separating me from what is here as who I am within all in this world.
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see myself as not valuable based on my judgments of how I am looking within and as my physical picture.
8.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto ideas/beliefs/thoughts about how my physical body and image should look like and thus desire to be seen in this certain way.
9.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to live within the polarity playout of joy/disappointment within the desire of wanting to be seen/valued in a certain way by others in my world.
10.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on the outside world, and thus missing me here within and as life as breath and deflecting the reality of myself as what is being mirrored back at me as the life I am currently living as resistance.
11.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss me here in my current existence and thus deflect all the 'negative' parts of me to self victimization and thus build a polarity of desire to be seen as 'great' and thus create the opposite as 'failure'.
12.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold an idea that I am 'great' based on my past experiences in living life, and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto the past as memories I define and create myself from.
13. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to victimize myself as a point of deflection of taking responsibility for what I have created in my world and thus use this victimization excuse to blame others.
I stop self victimization in blame and face who I am here as my world and what I am showing myself.
I stop living from past memories in experiences and live here where I am real as life.
I stop the desire of being valued by others.
I stop defining myself by my outside world.
I stop separating my from the life around me and stop deflecting myself from myself in what I am showing to me as what I am not wanting to see.
I realize and see who I am from my world thru a walking process to thus create self in a directive manner and not be directed by anything that is not here as me.
I stop desiring to be noticed and needed.
I stop the polarity playouts of great/failure.
I stop all definitions I hold on to.
I live here one and equal with all and everything in this world.
Now where does this start from, what thoughts and beliefs, one being that I need to be seen as skilled in some way to be valued. Another way would be that I desire to be seen as better then others, so I can get an upper hand. I haven't gotten to a point where I can effectively walk equal to others based on me holding on to these thoughts and ideas of defining myself to thoughts and ideas about myself in relation to the world around me and desiring to be more. Seeing it in separation, I must will this to stop and change to be effective in equality for and as life.
1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to base who I am here by my thought of "I need to impress others to be valued." Thus not recognizing nor realizing the point of separation within the need of others to show/tell me that I have value.
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on this thought of 'I need to impress others to be valued' and thue look for who I am by those I interact with based on the reactions I receive. Thus not living but reacting to others reactions.
2a. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on reactive state of fear of not surviving instead of being here realizing I live and enjoying.
I stop fear of survival in reaction and live here as self enjoyment in living life.
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to believe in the thought 'I need to impress others to be valued' and thus activate the system of need and desire to be seen in a certain way that I have defined myself on and based myself on here in limitation.
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to create desires to be accepted based on my 'thoughts' that 'I need to impress to be valued'.
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to place value outside of myself based on me not accepting who I am within and as myself and thus looking for direction within the world around me.
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate self value of who I am as life and thus place it into the world around me thus separating me from what is here as who I am within all in this world.
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to see myself as not valuable based on my judgments of how I am looking within and as my physical picture.
8.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto ideas/beliefs/thoughts about how my physical body and image should look like and thus desire to be seen in this certain way.
9.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to live within the polarity playout of joy/disappointment within the desire of wanting to be seen/valued in a certain way by others in my world.
10.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to define myself based on the outside world, and thus missing me here within and as life as breath and deflecting the reality of myself as what is being mirrored back at me as the life I am currently living as resistance.
11.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to miss me here in my current existence and thus deflect all the 'negative' parts of me to self victimization and thus build a polarity of desire to be seen as 'great' and thus create the opposite as 'failure'.
12.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold an idea that I am 'great' based on my past experiences in living life, and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto the past as memories I define and create myself from.
13. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to victimize myself as a point of deflection of taking responsibility for what I have created in my world and thus use this victimization excuse to blame others.
I stop self victimization in blame and face who I am here as my world and what I am showing myself.
I stop living from past memories in experiences and live here where I am real as life.
I stop the desire of being valued by others.
I stop defining myself by my outside world.
I stop separating my from the life around me and stop deflecting myself from myself in what I am showing to me as what I am not wanting to see.
I realize and see who I am from my world thru a walking process to thus create self in a directive manner and not be directed by anything that is not here as me.
I stop desiring to be noticed and needed.
I stop the polarity playouts of great/failure.
I stop all definitions I hold on to.
I live here one and equal with all and everything in this world.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
2011 Working with What is Here at Work
We got a new phone system at work, I have to now learn this new system as it is a bit different from the last phone system we had. I was looking at myself within learning this this morning, and the reactions that I saw wanted to come up and direct me where becoming apparent. One being that I was annoyed at the IT guy not directing us on how to use this new system and how is to be set up, the second was that I was going to have to deal with how to work it and spend a lot of time to figure out as I am the only one in the office who is familiar with computers and electronic type stuff mostly. These two reactions where done based on my desires and back chat of wanting to have an easy time, and blaming others for things that are here in my reality to be faced and worked with.
I realized it is unnecessary, illusionary, and abusive to have these reactions and feed them because what is here is what is here, I either face it within self direction and go along with the tasks at hand to be worked with or I create abuse thru blame, self victimization, and back chat thoughts of anger, and still have to face what is here at hand with the phones, the latter causing much more consequences that are adverse then the former. The former being to direct self with the phone task that is here, and getting the work done that is necessary to be done for what is best for the situation. The latter being in the mind and the former being here as who I am as self direction. I am working and walking the process to become the former of a self directed human being realizing and being effective for what is here as this reality, and living within what is best for all beings as each and every breath I walk living in the moment as life as self movement.
The IT guy is coming back to show us how to use it, so another point to realize is life is never how it seems in your mind, it is how it is in reality, best to stick with what is here the breath and learn to live from this perspective, I am enjoying this walk.
I realized it is unnecessary, illusionary, and abusive to have these reactions and feed them because what is here is what is here, I either face it within self direction and go along with the tasks at hand to be worked with or I create abuse thru blame, self victimization, and back chat thoughts of anger, and still have to face what is here at hand with the phones, the latter causing much more consequences that are adverse then the former. The former being to direct self with the phone task that is here, and getting the work done that is necessary to be done for what is best for the situation. The latter being in the mind and the former being here as who I am as self direction. I am working and walking the process to become the former of a self directed human being realizing and being effective for what is here as this reality, and living within what is best for all beings as each and every breath I walk living in the moment as life as self movement.
The IT guy is coming back to show us how to use it, so another point to realize is life is never how it seems in your mind, it is how it is in reality, best to stick with what is here the breath and learn to live from this perspective, I am enjoying this walk.
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